Welcome Wagon
Monday, Day 1
Eight-thirty in the morning, and Frank awoke for the first time to a finished, fully-furnished Shorikiki of his very own. A beautiful morning, and the perfect time to visit the Lifetime Ambition Box.
Frank climbed onto the box and began reciting the prescribed lines.
“O magic box, in Batman black,
Tell me what I really lack.
What is my heart’s deepest desire?
Romance, grandkids…to not catch fire?
“Send me a Want, pure and true,
And then I will know what to do.”
Frank rolled a want of “Reach Golden Anniversary”. The first step towards that goal would be to get himself a girlfriend. Hmm…just who will be chosen to visit in the Welcome Wagon?
With some time to kill until the expected visitors arrived, and a desire to gain skill points, Frank sat himself down to study. Crime-Scene Cleanup and You may not sound terribly exciting to the layman, but it is a solid basic text, as good a place as any for the rookie policeman to start. Plus Frank’s deluxe edition came with full-color illustrations and scratch-and-sniff panels. Riveting stuff—if not the most appetizing subject in the world—and it easily held Frank’s attention until the Welcome Wagon arrived at a quarter past twelve.
“Hear ye! Hear ye! The Welcome Wagon is now approaching Ranch Lane!” The voice of the Town Crier brought Frank out of his house, as he marveled to himself. (“This place has a Town Crier?”) Frank headed straight for Ivy Scrumpt, who told him a joke while the Town Crier watched, and while J.M. Pescado reflected on his own Awesomeness.
Frank then greeted Joe Salemi, who regaled him with his favorite Town Crier jokes. Meanwhile, Ivy got Pescado’s attention by offering to play red hands with him.
No, that’s not a gun in Pescado’s pocket; and while he was, in fact, happy to see Ivy, if he were happy to see her in that way, it probably would have shown up in his front pocket. And not been gray. Nor been quite so hard to spot. (Or so one hopes, for his sake.)
Ivy and Pes seemed so wrapped up in their games of red hands and marf apper nerk that Frank never got round to saying word one to Pescado. Instead, he picked up his newspaper, headed inside, and…
…read quietly by himself. (Starting with the comics page, of course.) A real social butterfly, our Frank.
For his part, Joe was content to watch Ivy and Pes, issuing Town Crier-type announcements as to the state of play.
“Hear ye! Hear ye! Ivy’s quick hands barely caught the tips of Pescado’s!”
“Hear ye! Hear ye! Pescado’s marf has crushed Ivy’s nerk!”
This lasted for more than an hour before Ivy and Pescado resorted to pranking each other…which the Town Crier also dutifully reported on for the benefit of the neighborhood.
“Hear ye! Hear ye! Pescado has just executed a ventrilofart! *cough* Residents should avoid breathing for the next ten minutes! *cough* *cough*”
Frank, engrossed in his paper, took no notice of any of this. He did, however, promptly spin into his police uniform when the cruiser showed up at two o’clock to take him to work. As he was driven away, Pescado and Ivy left together, intent on finding some other place to resume their game-playing and pranking. Joe went inside, sat on the couch, and hung around watching television for an hour or so (“Hear ye! Hear ye! Oprah’s guest today is Julia Roberts!”) before wandering off in search of more town news to cry out.
Frank returned home from work at eleven, and headed straight for the shower. He had just gotten the water running when the phone rang. It was Julie, who had ostensibly called to talk shop. But had she really? After all, her house was right across the street…and Frank’s house didn’t actually come with a proper front door…
After reviewing the day’s work with Julie, and wishing her good night, Frank resumed his shower, then watched some television (“Hey! Who left the TV on the American Eskimo Channel? Who knew there was an American Eskimo Channel?”) until it was time to go to sleep. At which point he finally put on some clothes again (his pyjama bottoms).
It was at that same moment, oddly enough, that Julie finally started getting ready for bed herself across the street.
Next installment: The Welcome Wagon visits Julie.